Back In 2019, I had a phone conversation with a psychologist in Chennai, India, that has stayed with me ever since. At the time, I was searching for answers to questions I couldn't quite articulate. Dr. Sumathi Chandrasekaran listened patiently before gently shifting my attention away from the circumstances around me and toward the person responsible for navigating them: myself.
"If we keep grieving the person we used to be," she said, "we are trying to escape responsibility for the decisions we've made and the consequences that follow."
It was a deceptively simple observation. Yet it challenged something many of us do without realizing it.
We mourn earlier versions of ourselves. We miss the confidence we once had, the relationships that felt effortless, or the dreams that seemed within reach. We replay the past so often that we begin to believe our best self existed somewhere behind us rather than ahead of us. In doing so, we sometimes hand responsibility to everyone but ourselves; to circumstances, to other people, to bad luck, to timing.
The comforting story becomes that life happened to us. But growth asks something far more uncomfortable. It asks us to recognize that while we cannot control everything that happens, we remain responsible for how we respond. Change isn't known to be easy. It demands accountability, and the willingness to admit that some of our own decisions have contributed to where we are today. That realization can feel frightening. And it can hurt. But it can also feel profoundly liberating.
Dr. Sumathi Chandrasekaran has spent more than two decades helping individuals, couples and families navigate moments of uncertainty. A wonderful psychologist, author, parenting specialist, corporate trainer and founder of Mind Café; she has built her work around making psychological support more approachable by removing the stigma often associated with counselling. Her "Mind Café" concept invites people to discuss emotional struggles in a relaxed environment rather than a traditional clinical setting, reinforcing the idea that seeking help should feel as natural as having a conversation over coffee.
More recently, she has expanded that mission through writing. Her book Be the Happy Mom explores parenting not as a pursuit of perfection but as a journey of emotional awareness and self-worth. Rather than offering rigid rules, the book encourages mothers to better understand themselves, arguing that children benefit most from parents who cultivate their own emotional well-being before attempting to shape someone else's.
For years, I assumed the person staring back at me in the mirror was someone I completely understood. Then came the uncomfortable realization that I couldn't always explain why I reacted the way I did, why I repeated certain patterns, or why I held on to situations that had long stopped serving me. That realization became the beginning of asking better questions.
Why did I stay attached to old mistakes simply because I had invested so much time in them? Why did I remain in jobs that no longer inspired me, relationships that quietly drained me, or habits that no longer reflected the person I aspired to become? We tell ourselves that leaving would mean admitting failure, when in reality, refusing to leave often guarantees it. There is a quiet freedom in accepting that mistakes are not identities. They are experiences. They can teach and guide us, without defining us.
Perhaps that is what real change looks like. Not becoming someone entirely different, but becoming someone more honest. Someone willing to accept responsibility without drowning in guilt. Someone capable of learning without endlessly looking backward. We often believe healing means recovering the person we once were.
But Maybe it doesn't.
Maybe healing means becoming someone we never imagined we could be. And when that happens, we may discover something unexpected. So we don't actually want to go back.
Not even for a second.
